So I just glanced over my most recent post from April 19th (!), and I am tempted to hang my head in shame — but I won’t, because I’m trying to quit.
I remember writing that post, and in that moment finally feeling more like myself than I had in weeks. Post-miscarriage, I had truly felt like I’d lost a part of myself, and with it, my resolve and determination to be healthy.
While the last few weeks have been even better for me emotionally, I am failing miserably on the fitness front. This has placed me firmly in the middle of a mini panic attack, as I am scheduled to participate in my first 5k tomorrow. TOMORROW. I am so not ready for this.
Physically, I’ll pull it off, pain and all. I’m a total turtle, but I did walk a 5k on the treadmill at gym a little over a week ago, so I now know that I can at least FINISH it. But my body is so neglected, that no part of my heart or mind even WANTS to do this. I am embarrassed of myself, as I really had intended to rock this thing. I’ve let myself down (not the first time). I know the PriorFatPack will understand, and I know a few have probably been where I now am… but I am still scared silly about tomorrow morning.
I don’t know how to convince myself that things will be alright, and I don’t know how to overcome the fear that is now eclipsing what should be excitement to meet and be inspired by such wonderful people. But, even if I don’t have bells on, I will be there. And thankfully, my best cheerleader (hubby Malcolm) will be there with me. I just hope that I can keep pace with his crazy long stride.
I am preparing myself today as well as I can. I figured the best thing I could do for my body just prior to the big event would be to rest it. The past three
weekends weeks or so have been spent moving Malcolm’s elderly uncle and two aunts — a flurry of garage sales, packing oodles of moving boxes full of zillions of ceramic and glass figurines (all very carefully bubblewrapped), multiple Goodwill trips, unpacking boxes, cleaning and sorting. Plus work. Plus workouts. My body feels fat and fragile due to poor eating and loads of pain-inducing activity and stress. I wish someone would bubblewrap me, come to think of it. (Although I do appear as if I’ve already BEEN bubblewrapped — I will address my recent weight re-gain in another post, another day. Too much.)
The good news is that we did squeeze in an afternoon a couple of weeks ago to go bed shopping, and we have replaced our giant, squishy, gummy, two-ton heavy thing of a bed with a nice, extra-firm Simmons Beautyrest. It delivered on Friday, and I quickly adorned it with puffy yet firm king pillows with cooling technology (Genius!), new 600tc sheets and a 500tc damask duvet. Pretty fancy-schmancy for a Target girl. I am still getting used to the firmness, but I have slept exceptionally well so far. I plan to get to bed early and take full advantage of a good night’s sleep. My joints and I will need it. Unfortunately this means I am missing the PriorFatPack potluck in Minneapolis tonight, but this ol’ gal needs her beauty sleep (and her Beautyrest) tonight. Hopefully the weather will cooperate so Mal and I can attend the dinner with the group at Crave MOA tomorrow night, as planned. I may even order a drink stronger than Diet Coke. You never can tell. If I finish tomorrow, the least I can do is toast myself! 🙂
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Now, as Anthony Michael Hall once said: “See you guys in the emergency room, huh?”