Well, the Twins are still sucking eggs, and it seems that my pregnancy truly is no more. Rough week so far.

I’ll keep this short, as I’ve only had about two decent nights of sleep in as many weeks. The “edited for emotional content” version is that my “partial” miscarriage that had been on hold for the last 3 weeks or so resumed over the weekend. I’ve been bleeding and cramping since early Saturday, and by yesterday it had reached an unbearably painful crescendo. I can’t remember ever having such consistent, intense, elevated pain for such a long period of time. The absolute worst of it was about a two hour ordeal, and as bad as it was for me, I think it was worse for Malcolm. He called the OB triage nurse, only to be assured that this is normal, and there wasn’t much to been done other than to let nature take its course. So we did, but it was agony. I didn’t think anything could be as bad as the emotional pain, but this came close. I’ve heard of people passing out from pain before, and I think one more notch on the pain intensity scale, and I would have been counting stars face down. I’ve never experienced anything like it.

I still have my ultrasound scheduled for Friday, where I hope I’ll be cleared for take-off, so to speak. Time’s a wastin’, and I (we) want to start trying again. To me, it seems to be the most constructive way to deal with the emotions. I need to release the frustrated energy that remains within me by working towards a positive goal (like resuming my weight loss journey), rather than eating comfort food in obscene quantities to douse the emotional flames (DQ ice cream sandwiches, I must banish thee from my life!) True confession time: I’ve re-gained about 16 pounds since November, and I am getting a little freaked out about this now. So, since it seems that the worst of this is almost behind me, I’ve cleared my clouded head and have begun to plan.

This week I’ve started a 5k walking training program that I found on SparkPeople, and Mal and I are still seriously considering attending the PriorFatPack’s chosen 5k event this Memorial Day. Actually, he’s still a go-go … I am still scared as all getout and want to see how my training progresses over the next week or two. I know it seems pathetic that I require that extra assurance just to walk, but I am allowing myself to be a little pathetic right now. I do know that if I prepare, I’ll feel better about it. So, two days of training in, in my first week of four … and both days went slow, but well.  🙂  I’ve been happy to be able to get out and walk, as I’ve had to miss my training sessions with Herm over the last week and a half due to my current health issues. I am hoping that by next week I can handle a 4-day gym week again.

I MISS it.

Also trying to focus on little things that make HUGE differences in my daily patterns. Number one: drinking those 8+ glasses of water a day. This is the most important weapon in my arsenal when it comes to combating perceived hunger. Number two (and even to me, this seems weak): I need to shoot for at least one fruit with every meal, and at least one veggie with lunch and dinner. This was so easy for me before, but right now the only things I seem to want to consume are bread, ice cream and coffee. Ack. Gotta break this trend before it breaks me.

I can’t give enough thanks and love to my rock solid hubby Mal, my family, and my group of buddies here for being the glue that’s holding me together and keeping my goals in front of me. I hope I can do the same for you one day! I bid you a good night with a little mini Wednesday Lens Day submission from my walk today: The first spring blooms spotted on my street. Bring on the tulips and lilacs, says me!

Welcoming new beginnings.



11 thoughts on “Degenerated

  1. Jen, my heart goes out to you. I wanted so badly for your little miracle to work, however it does bring hope for new beginnings as you said.
    Keep up with the minigoals! The fruits veggies water are all super important, and the DQ should be banished until you are back on track, when you can reincorperate those things back in.

    (hugs you tight) I am glad Lens-day is back. I love your photos! I am looking forward to seeing you soon!

    • Not doing so great on either the water or the fresh foods. SO frustrated with myself. Maybe I need to scale back. Maybe I need this week behind me.

      Your comment about my photo makes me happy. The good news is that I finally miss my camera, and can’t wait to use it now that the weather is warm (er). 🙂 Thank you!!

    • I am a lucky girl. He’s my miracle, and my rock. And my roll, for that matter. 🙂 Thank you for your kind thoughts, and for your comment. Looking forward to checking out your blog!

  2. Lose the stigma of the “5k” and just come out for a nice walk that you’re paying for and get a shirt after! If you want to increase the pace once a mile then thats cool, but don’t feel intimidated. If there was ever one to do and feel supported, not worrying about the last one run/walking, then this is the one.

    I hope you get all the good news you need and want on Friday. I’m emotionally drained for you. You are one strong chica. I hope to see you and the cautious quiet one soon, and for sure at that darn race. peer pressure!

    • I am trying to look at it as a mile walk x 3, which doesn’t seem too atrocious to me… but my 1 mile time does. Working on that.

      You called me “strong”. That one surprised me, because I’ve only seen myself as a giant, flabby weakling of late. Thanks for your friendship, JP. And the peer pressure — if anything will make me cave, that will. 😉

  3. Just wanted to say that – I Love You. Just know that there is someone else out here that loves you and thinks about you often. My door is always open and my email always on!

    Now…go get those goals girl! You can doeet!!

    • My Kerry! Thank you. And I love you, too. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude, for you, for being there. And if I make it to your neck of the woods, I am taking you up on your offer. I miss, miss, MISS you!

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