Planning to fail and failing to plan: Are they one and the same?
Lately, I can’t tell, but I’m 99% positive that I am a party to both behaviors, and it’s caused an internal struggle for me the last couple of weeks.
Internal, because I’ve pretty much been trying to sort it all out on my own. Well, that isn’t totally true — I’ve had a couple of discussions with Malcolm about my frustration with myself regarding my recent lack of commitment to my health. But, as much as I am drawn to sharing these struggles with him, because he is my best friend, I am realizing that I share only with him — and I think I do this because he is my willing accomplice when it comes to “breaking away” from doing the work it takes to live healthy. When I’m tired and I want pizza for dinner, he is more than willing to go pick it up for us. When I prioritize grocery shopping, work or family stuff over working out, he rarely discourages me or reminds me that I can do both.
I don’t see this as his failure. He loves me, and since the day I met him, I have never seen him more distraught than the times he felt like he couldn’t make me happy. He lives to please me, and I him. The failure is absolutely mine, because I KEEP PUTTING HIM IN THIS POSITION. I manipulate him so that he enables me, and round and round we go until I feel wretched. A perfect codependency cocktail. Barf.
I am ashamed to admit that I have yet to return to the workout routine I had going prior to my trip to Colorado in November. I am also ashamed to confess that I have all but stopped tracking my food, mostly because I’ve returned to a lot of my old habits of “convenience”. I’m so disappointed in myself. I know I have done this because I have not reached out to the small network of people I have around me that are supporting me in my journey to better health, whether it be my trainers, my family, or my online friends. I’ve never been one to admit my vulnerabilities, because I’ve never wanted to seem weak or cause loved ones to worry. Well, I had a mini epiphany yesterday that made me realize that maybe I’m weak because I never reach out for additional support when the burden gets heavy. So, I have a new goal to do that in the coming week. If you read my blog, and especially if you comment, I *do* rely on you for encouragement and support, whether I have told you so, or not. I want to thank you for being here — for caring enough about me to read this post, and for taking time to share your advice, humor and support with me. And since I’ve now confessed how bloody awful I am at asking for help and accountability, maybe you’d do me a solid and poke me harder (and more often), to help get me back on track. I’d be so grateful, and I hope I can eventually return the favor.
I should also say thank you (THANK YOU!!) to my trainer Sharon, who called and left a message to check in with me yesterday. I have a really busy weekend on tap, but I will make some time to drop her a note (hopefully tonight) and to schedule some time to meet with her next week. I’ve only seen her once in almost 2 months, and it is becoming obvious to me that keeping close touch with her is key. She has been helping the Lifestyle Challenge group with nutrition planning, and since I was out of town for so long, I have yet to discuss that aspect with her at all. If I have any hope of reaching my goal on November 1st, I really need to get some guidance, pronto. Hopefully doing so will refocus Mal and I and give us a much-needed jump start.
As bummed as I am with myself, I am really looking forward to the weekend, as I am hosting Malcolm’s family (11 people! Ack!!!) for my father-in-law’s birthday dinner. I am cooking the turkey that I had purchased for Thanksgiving, that took up residence in our freezer when my mom had to have surgery. I’ve never hosted a meal for this many people (again, ack!!!), so I should be plenty active as I’ll be busy prepping and cleaning most of the weekend — that’s trackable exercise, right? 😉 Hopefully I’ll be too tired to indulge by the time the cake is cut. Time with family is food for the soul, and the more my soul is fed, the less rumbly I feel in my tumbly.
To end on a good note — today was a success on most fronts in my war with the fatness. I upped the odds for success by staying home — dining out has been all too frequent and is a bit of a nightmare when it comes to tracking nutrition. I spent the day cleaning house, plus I got 30 heart-happy minutes in on my stationary bike. Best of all, I journaled all of my food today! Hopefully I can repeat these successes tomorrow, with the addition of drinking more water.
Wishing you all a good weekend, and to those attending the One Breath, One Step event tomorrow, ya’ll have fun! I look forward to reading your recaps!